Adults Can Be So Dumb
by Goddess Isa
Summary: This is semi B/S fluff, but not really. Just a quiet night at home. Though nothing including Spike is EVER quiet....


TITLE: Adults Are So Dumb  
AUTHOR: Goddess Isa  
EMAIL: goddessisa@aol.com  
SUMMARY: This is semi B/S fluff, but not really. Just a quiet night at home. Though nothing including Spike is EVER quiet....  
SPOILER: Slight S6. Kind of. Not really.  
RATING: TV-14  
DISTRIBUTION: http://planetslaythis.homestead.com, Fanfiction.net under Goddess Isa, anyone else, just send me the URL  
DISCLAIMER: Joss Whedon owns the characters herein. Plech.  
AUTHOR'S NOTES: I just want to stress, especially to all my B/A loving friends, this is NOT a B/S relationship fic. It is NOT. They're not in love, they're not in a relationship, they're just screwing. I know I swore I'd never write a pro-B/S fic, and I haven't gone back on that. It isn't even REALLY B/S.....  
3/10/02  
  
  
"Slayer!" Spike slammed the door to the Summers' home and stormed into the living room. He found Buffy and Dawn sitting on the couch, watching a Friends rerun.  
  
"Is that YooHoo?" Buffy asked, glancing at the bottled drink in Spike's hands.  
  
"Oh, I love YooHoo," Dawn said. "Can I have some?"  
  
Spike tossed her the bottle. "Where the Hell were you?" he demanded of Buffy. "I waited in the park for over an hour."  
  
"You were supposed to call," she said simply, focusing on the television. "You didn't call, I didn't come. Besides, I had to help Dawn with her homework."  
  
"Oh yeah, Buff," Dawn looked at Spike. "She helped me SO much, Spike. She turned on the computer for me."  
  
"She always was good with pretending to be helpful while just looking pretty doing it," Spike commented.  
  
"Let's go and get it over with," Buffy said, standing up. "I still don't see why no one lets me patrol by myself anymore. I'm not a baby."  
  
"You died," Dawn said pointedly.  
  
"Twice," Spike added.  
  
Buffy growled. "Let's just go."  
  
"Wait just a minute," Spike said. "I have a story to tell."  
  
"Oh joy," Buffy said sarcastically. She plopped back onto the couch and Dawn scooted over to the easy chair to let Spike have the couch. "This'll be boring."  
  
"You'd like your adventures at Willy's to be this exciting," Spike said.  
  
"I'd like my adventures at Willy's to be nonexistent," Buffy replied.  
  
"Can I go to Willy's with you sometime?" Dawn asked Spike.  
  
"Over my dead body," Buffy said, then she added, "Shouldn't be too much of a wait."  
  
"Don't joke like that," Dawn said quietly.  
  
"It isn't funny, Slayer," Spike added, speaking as solemnly as a vampire with an attitude like his can.  
  
"Don't call me that," Buffy snapped.  
  
"Call you what?" Spike asked innocently.  
  
"Slayer."  
  
"Sorry, I didn't realize you hated it so much," he said, his eyes shining. "Slayer," he added pointedly.  
  
Buffy looked right at him. "Asshole."  
  
"Slayer."  
  
"Prick."  
  
"Slayer!"  
  
"Story!" Dawn shouted before Buffy could say something worse to Spike. "Spike, please tell us your story."  
  
"I'm sittin' down, gettin' my beer, right?" Spike began. "And I happen to glance to my left and I'll be damned if right freakin' beside me isn't that Christina Aguilera chick."  
  
"REALLY?" Dawn squealed. "I love her."  
  
"Yeah. She's sittin' at the bar with a bodyguard I could mash to bits in three seconds flat."  
  
"Spike," Buffy interrupted, "Please get to the point. If there is one."  
  
"'Course there is. And a pressie for the Lil' Bit if the ole ball and chain here can keep her knickers on."  
  
Buffy growled furiously and Dawn exploded with laughter. Spike smiled, quite proud of himself.  
  
"Don't talk about my underwear," Buffy told him firmly.  
  
It took everything in the vampire not to make a crack about how odd it was that she wouldn't let him talk about her panties, but he could wear them. Not that he did, mind you, but she'd put the idea in his mind once or twice....  
  
"So. Where was I? Oh, right. So she's sitting there with her pansy of a bodyguard, drinking a Pepsi Twist."  
  
"If Xander were here," Dawn said, interrupting again, "He'd say, 'It's not exactly Pepsi Twist, it's Diet Pepsi Twist.'"  
  
"It probably was," Buffy said. "I mean, look at her. She's a rail."  
  
"I know!" Dawn shouted. "I wish I could avoid eating like that."  
  
"You're thin enough," Buffy said flatly. "No dieting, understand?"  
  
"Can't a man finish a bloody story around here?" Spike shouted.  
  
Automatically, and in sync, Buffy and Dawn answered, "You're not a man." Buffy seemed to take particular glee in saying it.  
  
"So I go up to her," Spike went on, "And say, 'Fancy a shag?'"  
  
"You didn't!" Dawn was completely horrified. Buffy was on the floor, laughing hysterically.  
  
"I did, and I'm damn proud of it." Spike took a drink of his YooHoo. "Not everyday a man gets a chance to hit on the likes of her. Unfortunately, the music in the place was loud, and she thought I said fag instead of shag. She took one of my best cigarettes, too. You know how hard it is to lift those things?"  
  
Buffy's laughter grew louder. She actually started to choke and had to borrow Spike's YooHoo to quit coughing.  
  
"I did manage to beat Willy up for these," he tossed Dawn a large brown envelope. She grinned and screamed when she opened it. Inside were a few Polaroid pictures of Christina drinking at the bar, one of Christina smoking Spike's stolen cigarette, and two of her with Spike, one of which was signed and made out in Dawn's name.  
  
"Spike, I love you for this!" Dawn jumped up and kissed him on the cheek. "You're the coolest! I'm gonna go call Marty and Lanie and Emma and tell them what you gave me!"  
  
"Don't say Spike's your friend!" Buffy shouted up the stairs after her younger sister. "And don't say that he's my friend. In fact, don't mention him at all, say you downloaded the pictures off the Internet or something."  
  
"You embarrassed by me, Slayer?" Spike asked. He scooted across the couch, grinning at Buffy until he was right beside her.  
  
"Extremely," she answered. "Where did you get those photos?"  
  
"I told you, I took 'em at Willy's."  
  
"I'll ask again, where did you get those photos?"  
  
"Swear on my blood, they're real."  
  
"All right, who did you kill to get her there?" Buffy asked.  
  
"No one. Had a chat with her personal pansy while she took a pee. Turns out Miss Aguilera has a taste for the darker things. As in vampires."  
  
"Gross," Buffy made a face. Then she began unbuttoning her shirt.  
  
"Aren't you afraid the Lil' Bit'll figure us out?" Spike asked.  
  
"I'm afraid that I'll wake up and realize this hasn't all just been a horrible nightmare," Buffy replied.  
  
"Even this?" Spike asked right before kissing her, thrusting his tongue deeply into her mouth. "You'd give up this?"  
  
"Shhhhh," Buffy lay out on the couch and let Spike cover her body with his. "We haven't got long before she comes back down. If she finds us..."  
  
"Quit talking, Slayer. You're wasting valuable shag time."  
  
"Spike, you cannot tell me what to d-"  
  
"Shut up and kiss me," he ordered.  
  
Buffy was too horny to argue. She kissed him back and let herself get lost in the moment. She was just throwing her clothes back on after their quickie when Dawn came downstairs to see if they were going on patrol or not.  
  
"Yes," Buffy answered quickly. "We are. Right now. Go to bed."  
  
"Yeah, right," Dawn plopped down on the couch and began playing with the remote control.  
  
"No R-rated movies!" Buffy ordered as Spike helped her into her coat and pulled her out the door. "And no friends over! It's a school night, and I'm not here to chaperone."  
  
Rolling her eyes, Dawn called, "Promise! Bye, love you!" She waited until Buffy and Spike were down the street to call her girlfriends in from the kitchen.  
  
*****  
  
Buffy and Spike barely made it to the cemetery before they started pulling at each other's clothes. Their main problem was that once they got some, they always had to have more.  
  
*****  
  
"Hey, Dawnie?" Emma asked. The four girls were sitting in a row on the couch with their freshly-painted toenails propped up on the coffee table. "Who's that hot blonde guy always hanging out with Buffy?"  
  
"Spike," Dawn said dreamily. She chewed thoughtfully on a mouthful of popcorn and then said, "He's a hottie."  
  
"Are they doing it?" Lanie asked.  
  
"Yeah," Dawn danced a pretzel stick around in the jar of peanut butter and sucked on it before adding, "They think I don't know about it though."  
  
"Adults are so dumb," Marty commented.  
  
The four girls raised their junk food in a toast. "Amen!"  



End file.
